you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
