are you still at the devil's house?
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
