so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
