Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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