Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
