yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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