Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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