dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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