I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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