so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
