I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
