based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
