i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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