guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
