She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
