Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You really coming over, don't trick.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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