Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
