I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
