I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
