Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I didn't shave. On purpose
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize