It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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