Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
