he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
