I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
