he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just forgot I was standing up.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
