I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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