i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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