I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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