I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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