I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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