its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
