I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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