Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
