I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
