i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
