The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
