If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
