I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
