OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
