Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
