he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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