Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
