Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think my nap took me to another dimension
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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