she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
