Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
