And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
