It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
