Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
