well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
