I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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