She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
