i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
