while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
