Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
