I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
