I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just found a bag of teeth...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
