a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I touched a dick in church today
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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