is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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